The Color Blue

Expanding your horizons can be a great thing to do. It can also be disastrous. This is true of many tasks, decisions, and adventures we undertake in our lives, which most people have, by their early 20s, figured out. One of the few things I can say with confidence at the young age of 24 is that I, too, have this concept down. At least some of the time. And even if, on a particular day, it turns out I have no grasp on this concept whatsoever, or perhaps reality in general, I can confidently say I at least appear to have a handle on it most times.

Skipping over further speculation of justification in those wild claims, I submit that I am not the only one who handles such a handy trick, at least at times, quite deftly. So at moments like these when I feel particularly down about this and that, it is comforting to think that despite appearances, there are a great deal many more people in the same or worse situations as you or I that give no indications of such.
It's an odd idea that misery loves company, but when miserable we tend to think we're alone and there could not possibly be anyone that is as messed up, has messed up as much, or any variant thereof, as ourselves. Which is interesting on it's own because when given negative feedback from others, a great deal many of us take it far more to heart than positive feedback, making others therefore reticent to tell us things we need to hear that may or may not be quite the best.
I am not a fan of second guessing. All in all, I rather prefer honesty to sugar and it is frustrating to know you aren't getting what you ask for.

I have found I am much better at the superficial than I am at any deeper form of relationships. Reconciling a long term relationship with this tendency, it at times and as you may imagine, often a difficult thing to do. It turns out, I am much better at living life in general this way. Getting to deeper meanings of myself may be an obstacle course for others to be sure, but it can be a surprising battle for me as well. To this day, this is an incredibly ridiculous notion to me. How could I possibly not know the answers to things about myself? Isn't that the foundation you use to steady yourself against the uncertainties life tends to hurl at you faster than you can see?

I've been struggling with this for some time and I haven't really been going about it the best ways. I tend to think about it the most early in the morning, which oddly enough, is the same time I feel most like writing. In these times of wild thought and abandon, it occurred to me how truly infinite the concept of self is. How could I, or you, or anyone else possibly expect to really know everything we need to know about ourselves at the comparative beginning of the journey? I have seen there are things you learn at the end, and so why should the middle be any different? Instead of waiting impatiently on the sidelines (the only form of standing still I seem to be capable of), it's always been my nature to dive right in.

Except in this, in life, in the most important thing I will ever do. Life's forever seemed so monumentally big that I think, - have been trained to think -  well of course I have to figure it out first! Of course decisions have to be made! Better to stand on the sidelines until you figure things, and then wade around until you find your stride. Ha! There is no worse thing I have done than believing I could not do it. Believing that the world or I could ever be better off without me in it.
I have been the girl sitting there, fading on the sidelines, watching and waiting for an unknown sign that might just tell me I'm ready to go. As if I ever needed permission for anything. Being outside the change is never any fun and oh, how I love the fun bits. The only things I want in this world are true and sublime sensations, those only to be had by jumping in. Life is boring when you sit it out and I am tired of being bored.

So now my hair is blue.
Or most of it. It's a work in progress, like so many other wonderful things. And all of this was just a long winded way to say, welcome to the color blue. It will at the very least, be a fascinating thing.