Feeling Free and Feeling Trapped Part 1

Throughout my life, I have been better than most at controlling my emotions and what I show to any given person. That's in part where my tendency to be vague comes from; if I don't want you to see it, you wont. I've experienced a few moments in my life when all that was ripped away from me, but they've been very few and very far between. And none worse I think, than this past weekend.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Not everything has been bad, but it's all been slow and these 2 weeks have felt more like a month in themselves than the entirety of August.

A helpful piece of information here is this; when I feel deeply unsatisfied or disparate, I don't stick around. I sell what I can, pack up what I need, and take an adventure to a new place. This has, in the past, included leaving a relationship or two.
Naturally in this context, breakups are rather sudden and decisive. There's no lingering and each is left to handle their own and move on. I'm a smart girl with feet that go all the way down to the floor and if something doesn't make me happy, I use them. I've had my fair share of heartbreaks, I've always preferred the "quick and clean" nature of such departures.

I believe communication is a very important part of good relationships, so I've always made sure to use it in mine. But instead of leaving when my attempts to fix things didn't work, I stayed. For a lot of different reasons, really, but I stayed. I care about the man very much and this has been by far, the best relationship I've ever had. Understandably, I wanted to try and make it work for as long as I could. So I stayed.

That is not to say however, that I never felt the urge to leave. That deep need to get out has been squashed a bit by the current realities I let myself get into. For the first time in my life, I was dealing with a lingering ending. Not only am I outstandingly unequipped to handle such a situation, I know no one else that has ever dealt with a mutual, deeply sad, drawn-out break. No one that is, save for one person that, I really, really  did not want to ask. Among a few other reasons for my reluctance, was the fact that he's a friend to us both, so I didn't want to put him in a strange, awkward, uncomfortable, or really any unpleasant adjective-type position. So to avoid it, I asked the few people I'm comfortable opening up to, but I already knew the answer.

Shortly after my last post, I caved and asked for his story. He's a good friend, so sweet as ever, he instantly got back to me and told me his story - what happened, how he dealt with it, and all that jazz. And it did help, in a way. It mostly told me what I already suspected and that this was going to get harder before it gets easier.
At this point, the decision had been reached that we can take a break from the relationship and I can look forward to the things I've wanted to move forward to. 4 months to step away and be preoccupied with me and what I want to do, while he focuses on him, and if we end, then we end.

As cruel as it may sound, I am looking forward to this more than I have anything else in a long time. My best friend will be living with me and doing much the same self-improvement things with her time as I am with mine.

It really can't get here fast enough.

And that's where the problem lies.

Ready or not

I've been putting this whole blog idea in the back of my head, stashed with all the other 'seemed like a good idea at the time' notions that languish. It's not that there's been nothing to write about; in fact, by any standard, it's quite the opposite. But true to form - and despite the fact that this was originally intended to keep updates on my life - I've been avoiding that exact thing.

While I like the idea of looking back on my life from a more solid standard than my own memories, I can sometimes have the tendency to be incredibly vague about myself and what's going on in my life. It's easy to get a straight answer from me about something I don't consider important enough to misdirect for. While the things I choose to be open about sometimes surprise people, I'm not entirely sure it's always the best way to not be alone.

No one wants to be truly lonely, especially when they are.

There are a lot of things in my life I've been considering and reconsidering. A few short years ago, I never would have stepped out of the world for so long. I dreaded ever leaving myself in a vulnerable position and I would not have once considered not leaving myself a way out.
It's an interesting feeling to look at yourself and realize you are so many things you never wanted to be. How does one miss those changes as their happening? I haven't the slightest. It happened so gradually that I didn't know pieces of myself were missing until I went looking for them.

And oh, how I was looking for them. I was looking for myself and I couldn't think of where to start. I'd looked at myself and my choices in so many ways, yet couldn't find any lasting answers.

One day I looked up and saw myself through other people's eyes for a change, a perspective I hadn't seen in years. I remembered, and felt struck down. Unlike any other sensation I've had, this was most bittersweet, and hardest to describe.
It was fantastic, at first. I had my fire and zeal for life back. I really could do anything and saw that I never stopped going. My passion was back, and I had found myself again.
Then, upon further reflection, I couldn't for the life of me recall why I had ever slowed down. Sometimes it just takes asking the right questions.
I don't regret the past 3 years of my life, but I do understand that continuing the way I am now will never make me happy.

It seems I've learned the hard way that you just can't force anything, no matter how much you truly wish you could. Sometimes all you have left are the memories of what you had and move forward as best you can. Sometimes all you have are lessons. Maybe if you're lucky, or if you're on the right track, it will work out for the better and you'll be just as glad of that pain as you ever were for the joys that led up to it.

In any case, you find out what works for your life and what doesn't. Usually that's just a place or a job, but it can be people too. I think that's the hardest part of all, really. When I started searching for myself again, I never considered it would affect anyone other than me, and if it did hurt, I would be the only one to feel it. I've always been more willing to hurt myself than others. I think most people are.
Every once in awhile, we're reminded that our happiness matters too, and in some cases, we must be happy with ourselves before we can bring that to anyone else.


Of course, this could all be complete crap. I think if anyone truly had all the answers, it would all be just a bit too easy. But you either run with life or it leaves you behind.
I know where I stand a little bit better than I did before and I know where I want to be. Don't know why I ever thought that would make things easier.

But knowing is half the battle, yeah?